Anxiously Waiting.

Today my dreams were crushed...

as I watched the mail woman stuffing white and brown envelopes into the mailboxes. I walk to the mail box, slide the key into the keyhole, turn to the left-then right...only to see emptiness. I felt an odd nervous rush of relief flow through me, because I have just passed another day with the fear of rejection. The feel of failure haunts me everyday. The only day it will cease is when I get that one white envelope that I am longing for. Opening it will be the death of me. Some people think I am over-exaggerating, but the way I see it is if you want something so badly it becomes the one thing you are the most afraid of. Believe me when I say I'm scared shitless. Three weeks is a terrible wait for something you have been wanting for a few years. It is my fault though. If only I had....screw the "if's" that's the past. What I'm doing is bettering my future FAIL or PASS...hopefully the latter.

Once I know I passed this test, there will be plenty more that will scare me, but not as much. This is determining my mind: If I am smart, smart enough, smart enough to attain the "equivalent"...
I feel as though something bad should happen. You know right when you are on the peak of so many great things, the bad things start showing up...I guess to create an equilibrium. All I know is I hate equilibrium in karma, and in positivity and negativity. I'd rather have an unequal balance of good and bad. Or better yet, good and great. 


I know many people who are doubting me on going to The University of Alabama, some trying to persuade me to go to another school. They don't understand that going to Bama has been a LONG time goal. I intend to achieve that no matter who's friendship I lose. This is for me.  I need to do this for me. Prove to myself that I can be just as great and anyone else in this world.


I am capable of all that I want to do.


And no one is going to stop me from trying and succeeding.